"Fuck you, Clown."
But really, it's been great fun editing Heels. The articles all make good reading, thought I must say I don't agree with Alistair's view on the ferries. No offence intended, but I am a loyal Tranz Rail employee.
Heels has certainly been a learning experience. Becoming intricately involved with Microsoft Publisher has definitely been a different way to spend the evening. I'll probably miss it now, but there were times I felt like throwing the whole computer through the window! I generally did things the long and hard way, which would have been okay, except that I usually discovered the quick and easy way AFTER I had already finished. Much like tramping really….
Heels would not have come together without a lot of help from various people. Obviously the most important people are the many who either willingly, or under duress, contributed articles. Many thanks go to Dave Hodson and Eric Duggan for their endless supply of not only words, but also photos. Thanks to Dave Rafferty for contributions throughout the year, and to Sarah Devon for countless photos. Special thanks to Catherine Moger (I am in your debt), who organised the advertising in this year's publication and also provided many, many photos. Good luck to her and Anna Pulford for publicity in the coming year.
And finally, a HUGE thank you to Adrian Pike. He left me with a workable edition of Heels, complete with computer and the relevant programs. It surely made the challenge (and believe me, it was one!) that much easier. I think we made a good team - everything came out, more or less, on time. Always a bonus!
Now all that is out of the way, it's onto Heels.
Enjoy….
Nyree Bace
"Relevance!" I hear you demand? Well the two late nights are because I went climbing at Ferg's on Monday night, and after the Tuesday night tramping club meeting at Zebos I played badminton with Rob and Anke who both joined the club for the first time this year.
That's what the club and being the president of it this year has been for me: the highest priority. Higher than getting plenty of sleep, sitting in a comfy chair at home in front of the TV. It's getting out there and active before you soften and change your mind (pike).
I've enjoyed having the presidency as an excuse to go tramping much more than I otherwise would, attend every meeting (almost), go to the parties and be charming to all the new and prospective members, as well as the ancient ones. Not surprisingly I've enjoyed leading groups at the not so fit end of the scale, because while not remarkably fit or learned, I'm judged an adequate leader, and am assumed to relish the company of the not so fit groups which tend to have more females in them than the fitter groups.
In summary the audience's applause and laughter at the first meeting's performance were a buzz and a half, the higher than last year's membership was pleasing, being granted and spending money with the committee was gratifying, flirting was thrilling if not entirely defensible, beginning new friendships and continuing existing ones was priceless, running the AGM was traumatic and a relief to finish, and the annual dinner was an ideal way to cap off a good year.
My thanks to the committee for doing the real work and to the club for being a significant part of my life.
God bless you all
Julian Boorman
President 1998
The year started well with approximately 55 people on Freshers. The Tauherenikau didn't know what had hit it, with a few local eel residents extending their fine hospitality. This trend of high active numbers continued for most of the year, especially with a good crowd partying up at Egmont in the middle of the year.
The most noticeable difference to trips this year was the mild weather enabling us to travel further than we might of in previous years. So mild in fact that the ski-season never really got going - maybe next year Doug!!! The Easter Ruahines trip covered some good ground due to the great weather, and the Nelson Lakes trip was also unhindered due to the lack of snow and ice, enabling all groups to negotiate Travers Saddle without a problem and a large number to head up to Angelus. One group even managed to negotiate Moss Pass which is difficult even in summer. The last time the club ventured into Nelson Lakes one group encountered an avalanche coming off Travers Saddle, quite a change to this year. I believe not one tramp was hindered by the weather,……only by the prospect of hot pools,…….obviously a chief guide with good connections!
The highlight of my year as chief guide would have to have been the Interclub trip. In early times, in the Mike Sheridan days, the club ran interclub navigation competitions with an ice-axe as the trophy. In recent years this was abandoned and the ice-axe became merged into our history. 1998 is the first year this tradition has been re-kindled with the AUTC. Although we lost the ice-axe, we had a ripper of a party and kicked their butts at cricket on the slopes of Ruapehu. I hope that 1998 does not become a one-off and we can maintain the interclub relations, and win our ice-axe back!!!
1998 has been a year in which the club has made innovative changes to move into rock-climbing and alpine. It is good to see the club introducing new activities to widen the options for its members. I wish Simon and Alistair all the best for 1999 when they introduce the new look VUWTC.
SPOTCHA IN THE HILLS……..BAAAA!!!!!
Leigh Matheson
Chief Guide 1998
Tash: "Did any of you guys pinch me?" (After getting bitten by an eel).
Neal: "Don't light a cooker like this" (with his hand on the fire).
Dave R: "I would rather be mounting up a tramp than tramping up a mount".
Doug looks thru Dave's window at 8:40am on Saturday morning. Dave realises he is late: "Fuck, fuck, fuck...(pause).. oh fuck". And the excuse? "I may have got out of bed, walked across the room, turned off the alarm, and gone straight back to bed".
"It's so unfair that it's OK for a girl to nip a guy's nipples, but a guy can't nip a girl's nipples!" - Rob Holmes on Mid-Winter Christmas. This may surprise the more intelligent members in the club, but this young lad managed to manipulate an entire conversation around the topic of "nipple-nipping" for a good half-hour. You'll also remember that this is the same guy who set his tank top alight, to be left with a black singe mark in the morning.
"You're going to have to pull your pants down" - Alice to Julian Boorman
"Why the f**k do people throw rocks at me on every g**d**n tramping trip? I don't know which is worse: Sophie, who aims at my head and misses, or you, who doesn't aim at my head, but hits it anyway!" - Dave Rafferty to Alice
"So, what do you usually think when you see two girls holding hands?" - Dave R to Sophie H "I'm usually thinking about lunch" - Sophie
"Alice, do me too...PLEASE!" - Julian Boorman "Wow, she even moved my head for me" - Julian, again "It's great - I just lie back and she does all the work" - Dave Hodson
We wandered on up (I think 'tramping' would be a gross misuse of the word on this occasion), having a good old time - as you do.
Everything was fine until we decided to cook tea. We'd been to the supermarket and bought some chips and beans to make nachos. One problem - we had cans and Michele had accidentally left her swiss army knife in the car. Using our good ole Kiwi ingenuity we attacked the cans with the end of a spoon, and half an hour later we managed to scrape the last few beans through the 5mm hole. We ate tea (hot), and decided to make a hot chocolate. Therein lay the fatal mistake - we pushed our luck just a bit too far. The cooker had been making odd noises while cooking tea, but then the club cookers make weird noises all the time. The cooker seemed to be dying out, so we gave it a couple of extra pumps. The next thing you know, and there is fuel spurting out, setting the bench, as well as the cooker, well and truly alight. After controlling and putting out the flames, we discover the top of the cooker is not, as it should be, on top of the cooker, but instead stuck to my towel in a red, rather gooey mess. Eventually the cooker gets relegated to the long drop as neither of us really want to deal with it. Not surprisingly I am in a bit of a shocked state, and when I try to sleep, I keep thinking every rustle of the wind is the cooker blowing up. And when I do sleep, I have dreams of the MSR catching alight and exploding due to the noxious fumes in the longdrop. The next day dawned bright and clear - everything seemed so much better, except for two little things: I had to carry out the cooker, and Michele had to tell Ben we'd ruined his 21st present
So there's this guy, your average habitual almost anal-retentive kind of guy, and every morning he has his little ritual with the newspaper and a hot cup of tea, and this is his favourite thing in the world, he loves it, and never misses this morning routine. One morning he's flipping through the paper, and he sees an ad saying that the circus is coming to town. Well, he's very excited, 'cause he loves the circus, it's his favourite thing, so he rushes out and buys himself a brand new suit for the occasion (he loves to dress up) and rushes to buy himself a ticket. Well, the day rolls around and he strides up to the gate and thrusts his ticket at the Ticket-Taker, and in to the circus he goes. First he sees the Strong Man, and he loves the Strong Man, he's his favourite. Then he sees the Fat Lady, and he loves the Fat Lady, and then he sees the Fire Eater, and the Fire Eater is his favourite so he's very excited. But then he sees the Big Top, and he's all aglow because the Big Top is his favourite thing. So he runs up and gets a ticket to the Big Top and dashes inside to find his seat. He looks at his ticket, and sees that his seat is E-16, and he finds his seat and parks himself, waiting for the show to begin.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Children of Aaaalll Ages!!" calls the Ringmaster, and the guy is very excited, the Ringmaster is his favourite thing. Then out come the Acrobats, and he loves the Acrobats, and then comes the Animal Trainer, and he loves the animals and all the tricks that they do. But then come the Clowns...and, you see, now he's very excited because the Clowns, the Clowns are his favourite thing in the world. So he's watching the Clowns, and this one Clown steps forward and says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, who is sitting in seat E-16?" and the guy checks his ticket and it's him (!), so he stands up and shouts, "I am, Clown, I am sitting in seat E-16!" And the Clown says, "There's the horse's ass, where's the other half?"
Now the guy is just devastated. Here's the Clown, his favourite thing in the world, calling him a horse's ass, and the guy is completely speechless. He leaves the circus a miserable and sobbing shadow of his former self.
For months his life is in a shambles. He can't sleep, he doesn't eat right, and his little morning routine, which had been his favourite thing, is just not enjoyable anymore. It takes almost a year, in fact, before he finally gets back into the morning routine, but it's still somehow just not the same. However, he's flipping through the paper one morning, and he sees an ad for: The School of Quick Wit and Retort This is just what I need, he thinks to himself, and rushes down to sign up. In the first year of his four-year program, he surpasses all of his fellow students. In the second year he surpasses all the senior students and the Masters of the school. In the third year he surpasses all the Senior Staff and the Founders of the School. In the fourth year, they say to him, "There is nothing more that we can teach you. You are truly the World's Master of Quick Wit and Retort. You must stay on and become our Leader." "I cannot," the guy says, "I have done what I came here to do, and now I must go back to my life." And so he does.
Once again his life is back on track. His morning routine has never been better, and it's once again his favourite thing. So he's flipping through the paper one morning, sipping his hot cup of tea, and he sees an ad for the circus; the same circus is coming to town.
Well, he's very excited, because he loves the circus, it's his favourite thing, so he rushes out and buys himself a suit (because he loves to dress up). He gets himself a ticket, and on the day he strides up to the Ticket-taker, and into the circus he goes. Now first he sees the Strong Man, and he loves the Strong Man; then he sees the Fat Lady, and he loves her, and then he sees the Fire Eater, and of course he loves that, it's his favourite thing. But then he sees the Big Top, and he's all aglow because the Big Top is his favourite thing. So he runs up and gets a ticket, but he makes sure that they give him seat E-16. In he walks to the tent, and goes straight to his seat, to wait for the show to begin. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Children of Aaaalll Ages!!" calls the Ringmaster, and the guy is very excited because he loves the Ringmaster. Then out come the Acrobats, and he loves the Acrobats, and then out comes the Animal Trainer, and he loves the animals and all the tricks that they do. But then, out come the Clowns...and he loves the Clowns, they're his favourite thing in the world. So he's watching the Clowns, and loo and behold the SAME Clown (!) steps forward and says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, who is sitting in seat E-16?" And the guy knows he is, so he stands up and says, "I am, Clown, I am sitting in seat E-16!" And sure enough the Clown says, "There's the horse's ass, where's the other half?" To which the guy responds... [wait for it...]
"Fuck you, Clown."
People travelling back from Dorkland to Wellington were enraptured by the sight of five unnaturally dressed people making odd noises such as "I-remember-when-rock-was-young" and "You-lived-your-life-like-a-candle-in-the-wind", and trying to resuscitate Lucy on the side of State Highway one, just out of Cambridge.
In depth interview with these people discerned that this had been caused by intense exposure to 'LSD'. "It was the beetles man" said 24 year old Adrian Pike, with a haunted look in his eyes. "I just opened the back and there it was... a giant hole in her head, a twisted spring and bits of metal on top." Ben wondered "where did that ring go?" and all those present were concerned about the large amount of oil and spotting. "I don't like this sort of shit" said Ben when questioned by the police. Mr Pike and Ms Kyle returned after calling for help, only to discover their view of reality had been altered and their friends had obviously whacked out on the Scooby snacks, and were having an 'out of Kombi experience'. On returning, Mr B. Wiles claimed he had been to Paradise Lost and his two hippie chicks were raving about Corfu. When asked where they'd been, they elaborated vastly about a character called Little Johnny and space aliens man. Various attempts at resuscitation failed despite the valiant efforts of the rubber chicken to plug the hole. On arrival of the Ambulance Association, Lucy was pronounced null and void. At this point, all five members tried to re-establish telepathic links to their three friends, to no avail. After a transferral of Lucy back to Cambridge, two hours were spent exploring the potentialities of grass. Lucy was installed at the Cambridge City Morgue after all relatives had been notified. The funeral is due to be held Wednesday when an entourage will proceed to Osborne place, Palmerston North.
After many attempts to establish a satellite uplink with the Red Van Man failed transport back to the smokey drag was procured from an unexpected source...(who weren't expecting it).
Even the dearly loved parents were affected by the large high circulating over the area as the five hippies were translocated transcendentally to their home commune with the aid of many Hot House Flowers.
Anonymous
| Best Club Tramper | Adrian Barr |
| For being such a keen and enthusiastic tramper who has been very active on club trips, and has also gone on numerous private trips. | |
| Best Club Climber | Derek Thatcher |
| For helping in instruction of the rock climbing club trips, route setting at the Victoria University Recreation Centre rock wall, and also for coming third in the national rock climbing competition. | |
| Club Piker(s) | Matt Ravlich and Adrian Pike |
| For instigating the most piked trip of the year. A club trip to Penn Creek ended in a trip to Field Hut, and then returning to the car as they decided they would rather be at the Taupo Hotpools. TBA members to be warned! Ahoy there O Pirates not of Penn Creek - please learn your waterward navigation skills; the Tararuas are not in the Taupo Volcanic Zone! | |
| Most Idiotic Act | Rob Holmes |
| This was awarded for Rob's activities on the Mid-Winter Christmas trip at Mt Taranaki. Rob performed a head-stand (note, not hand), which consisted of dropping his head onto the floor over and over until his head bled. Later on in the night he managed to set his T-shirt alight. Note: much alcohol was consumed on this trip, and very little food! | |
| Most Promising New Member | Catherine Moger |
| For participating in many club trips, social events and club meetings, showing enthusiasm and enjoying everything she has been involved in. | |
| Most Geographically Embarrassed Club Member(s) | Dave Hodson (and group) |
| Dave lead his group to a river fork which they were unable to place on a map, left their coal there and returned from their trip without reaching their preferred destination of Carkeek. Group members were as follows: Dave Hodson (group leader), Steve Yeoman, Julian Duerr, Rob Holmes, and Julian Boorman.Please note that Julian Boorman also won this award last year…. | |